Life is Rich

It's been almost 5 months.
I still don't feel back to normal.
Life will never go back to the way it was, but there are some things I have developed.
1: I flinch at the sound of death.
2: I cry harder in movies.
3: I worry about going through milestones... without him.
4: The sight of trains sends me into a fierce anxiety attack... this one is getting more under control luckily.
5: Grave yards at night are a sanctuary instead of a horror film.
and 6: Love, love feels differently.

I'm writing this in hopes that this sudden growth in fatalities will end.
I'm writing this because too many people panic at the lack of answers to a phone call, or a text.
I'm writing this for the mothers and fathers.
I'm writing this for the sisters and brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles.
I'm writing this for the friends.
I'm writing this for the ones left behind.
and I'm writing this for the ones who feel broken.

Suicide.

No, I'm not an expert of any sort on this matter, but it's become one of the most thought about things in my mind. So I'm writing about what I DO know about the matter. I'm sharing my experiences.
First thing I know is, Suicide, is real. it's a final act.
It was more apart of my high school years than cheap romances were.
Suicide is not happy, it doesn't leave ANY rest.
It doesn't help anyone.
Suicide hurts like hell.
Suicide gives restless nights and sweaty palms and sad faces trying to console you in the hallway.

It almost became normal throughout my 4 years of high school to get "the text"
Too often was sadness in our lives.
High school is supposed to be the best years of your life, but how many actually SURVIVED them?

I just don't get it.
rip, we love you, we miss you. it was almost routine. But that was the PROBLEM. It was just routine.
Why didn't we Change the routine?
Take an extra 5 minutes out of our day for others?
No, it wouldn't fix everything, but maybe it would be enough to save at least one weary soul.
And to that one weary souls family and friends, you would be a hero.
Then someday that weary soul would realize how thankful they are for you lifting them up.

Senior year was when it became a real subject to me.
When I was a freshman, my sisters friend overdosed and passed away.
I saw her sadness and pain, but I didn't understand.
I saw the fatalities around me, and I didn't understand.
but senior year came and left, and I understand.
I didn't understand earlier all of the sleepless nights, and the lack of motivation to do things.
I didn't understand how painful losing someone your OWN age felt.

But now, I understand the pain of losing someone whom you hold so close to your heart.

I lived through the pain of never getting answers to text messages.
I lived through the agony of wondering, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM??
I lived through the pain of seeing texts of condolence before I even heard the words, "Annie, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but he's gone!"
I lived through that Wednesday night seeing friends cry uncontrollably, and no matter what you do, you can't ease the pain.
I lived through seeing the sadness in his mothers eyes.
I lived through sleepless nights and no appetite.
I lived through having a hole in my heart.
I lived through the worst pain of my entire life.

The worst thing is, I can say that I lived through the worst of that.
But I'm still LIVING through it all.
It's not over.
Blue skies and summer nights make me wish he was here worse than anything.
Those nights I wish I could just die and see him immediately.
But since I know the pain, I know I could never inflict that on anyone else.
No one deserves to feel this kind of pain.

Some people who knew of him have moved on.
People have moved on and forgotten.
Some day they'll think back about him, but for now, he's mostly forgotten.
It's been 5 months, and since then there have been even more fatalities in our valley of sudden doom.
But, it's not like my pain is over.
The ones who really loved him, and had him largely in our lives, our pain is not over.
It's not like his mother forgot that her oldest child never came home from school.
His 2 year old brother still doesn't understand where his big brother went.
And I'm sorry I read it, but his little sister thinks it is all her fault.
His grave still looks freshly visited, every time I go.
People are.still.mourning.
and that sucks.
suicide SUCKS.

I'm not saying that my life is all sad and dark and that there's never a rainbow on my cloudy day.
I am saying though, that suicide affects SO MANY PEOPLE.
I became friends with people that hated my guts.
Some of my closest relationships were created from relying on each other.
But I'm not focusing on the good right now.
Because too often are people focusing on what good COULD come out,
And they take the plunge on the WORSE possible choice for themselves.

Suicide, is not an easy way out.
It's not going to be happy.
And you're not going to have a single person rejoicing that you're gone.
Believe it or not, YOU ARE LOVED immensely.
I know depression can fog your mind and make you really down, but you are WANTED here!
People WANT you to be living and alive and happy.
Some people who love you so much would do ANYTHING to make sure you're okay.
And if you haven't found that person yet, maybe you weren't looking in the right place.
You might feel even like the darkness will never lighten, but have FAITH.
Find someone to talk to.
Come talk to ME!
I'm tired of being sad.
I WANT to be happy, and most days I am.
I'm sorry there is so much sadness in the world, but please, try to find joy!
Pick a new hobby, read a book, go for a hike, just distract yourself,
Because even if I don't know you, I cry when I read the obituaries.
Life is so rich and so full.
And I'm more than happy to help you find that good.
Just please don't give up yet.
You are so much STRONGER, and so much more LOVED than you could ever imagine.


PLEASE, don't kill yourself.