Times, they are a changin
Change has always been a hard thing for me. Graduating high school, moving to college, meeting my in laws for the first time or realizing that I will have in laws forever. It all was difficult for me. They were not events that I could glide through. I've never been a very good glider, though I've wished so very much that I could be. When a new change is coming I have to talk my self up to it. I have to prepare my self physically, emotionally and spiritually and those are three areas I'm struggling right now with anyways. I've been working on balance with Aislinn, and some days are way better than others.
Today I feel my emotional is heavy. I feel my heart heavy and my brain long. Somedays its really quite hard for me to think about moving back up to Logan. I know it's where Matt is, it's where school is, it's where my friends are, and independence is waiting, but somedays I look with a haulting heart. I think about the first time my mom left me in an apartment by myself and the first day was hard!! I hated it! I felt scared and worried and anxiety galore. Yet, I lived and I loved.
Knowing that life in Logan is quite lovely should stop my worry right? Wrong.
I think of moving to Logan and I think about how this is the last time this bedroom will be mine. I think about how when I move to Logan, it will be to move out of my childhood room for good. I'll be back for a couple of weeks this summer but after that, it's done. I will be moved into a new house and room, with a new family. Yes, I chose Matt and yes, I love him with my whole heart. But change and the unknown is very hard for me.
With school I loved it there. I cried those first hours I was alone, but as soon as my roommates got back, I was already getting into the swing of things. I adjusted and I thrived. But initially, I didn't know how it would be! I didn't know I would love my neighbors, make incredible friends and eventually get engaged to hot Matt from the third floor. I had no idea what the future held.
That's what I've learned. The unknown and change scare me. I over hype it and think of the worse possible scenarios that could ever be imagined and I worry. Then when the change is happening, I break down a little bit, but isn't that normal? Isn't feeling sad that you don't get to live with your parents anymore okay? It is! It's human emotion and it's not something to fear. Sometimes yes, my anxiety tries to stop me from progression. Change is so hard for me that my brain would rather prevent the worst possible from happening, than to chance the best possible happening. Does it make sense, no! But that is something to be challenged!
Today I feel my emotional is heavy. I feel my heart heavy and my brain long. Somedays its really quite hard for me to think about moving back up to Logan. I know it's where Matt is, it's where school is, it's where my friends are, and independence is waiting, but somedays I look with a haulting heart. I think about the first time my mom left me in an apartment by myself and the first day was hard!! I hated it! I felt scared and worried and anxiety galore. Yet, I lived and I loved.
Knowing that life in Logan is quite lovely should stop my worry right? Wrong.
I think of moving to Logan and I think about how this is the last time this bedroom will be mine. I think about how when I move to Logan, it will be to move out of my childhood room for good. I'll be back for a couple of weeks this summer but after that, it's done. I will be moved into a new house and room, with a new family. Yes, I chose Matt and yes, I love him with my whole heart. But change and the unknown is very hard for me.
With school I loved it there. I cried those first hours I was alone, but as soon as my roommates got back, I was already getting into the swing of things. I adjusted and I thrived. But initially, I didn't know how it would be! I didn't know I would love my neighbors, make incredible friends and eventually get engaged to hot Matt from the third floor. I had no idea what the future held.
That's what I've learned. The unknown and change scare me. I over hype it and think of the worse possible scenarios that could ever be imagined and I worry. Then when the change is happening, I break down a little bit, but isn't that normal? Isn't feeling sad that you don't get to live with your parents anymore okay? It is! It's human emotion and it's not something to fear. Sometimes yes, my anxiety tries to stop me from progression. Change is so hard for me that my brain would rather prevent the worst possible from happening, than to chance the best possible happening. Does it make sense, no! But that is something to be challenged!
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