Self Love
I have had terrible self esteem my entire life.
I was a little girl who believed I was fat.
I was a little girl consumed with people liking me.
I was a little girl who assumed that people didn't like me.
I was a little girl who didn't think she had any talents.
I was a little girl too afraid of the world.
I felt like a burden on others.
I felt like the lamest person ever.
I felt like the reason I didn't look like other people is because I truly was the ugliest person.
I felt like people wouldn't like me because of how I looked.
I felt like I didn't deserve to be living.
I remember sitting on the bottom bunk in the most beautiful girly room my mom painted for Ellie and I. And I remember thinking about death. I remember thinking if I could just hold my breath long enough I would die. So I tried it. And I held it for hardly any time at all before I broke down in tears and stopped it. I knew my family would be sad. I knew I had a whole life to live before me. I remember thinking if I still felt that way, I could try again later.
And even though holding my breath to death would never had worked, it makes me so sad imagining a little girl feeling that way. I was around the age that Lillie is now. NINE years old. Imagining Lillie sitting on her own feeling like that, trying to hold her breath, it makes me so sad.
We are here for a REASON. Heavenly Father did not send us to earth to feel like we are horrible, inadequate, burdensome monsters, because we aren't those things. (Well at least most of us are not) He sent us here to learn and grow. He sent us here in families so that we can feel love and happiness and so that we don't have to be alone. We are meant to have joy and to share it with others. We are meant to feel loved and adored. We are meant to find a love and grow a family together. We are meant to travel the world and see the beauty that God created for US. Those negative feelings do NOT come from God. And he, I'm positive, he doesn't want us to feel that way.
But I've found myself feeling similarly to this recently.
Coming back from Alaska I have felt so different. I've felt trapped and paralyzed in life, not wanting to make any movement, even if that movement means progression.
I feel like a burden on Matt, because I don't have a job that really helps us financially.
I feel like the lamest person ever when Matt wants to do something, but I'm fine just watching.
I feel like people won't like me because I've seen that I can't keep my friends around.
I feel like I can't get a job because I won't be good enough.
I feel like I don't want to get a job because I know others will judge me.
And the root of all of my problems is self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. I don't trust in my abilities. I don't feel confident. I simply haven't found self-love.
I am supposed to have already found a dental assisting job, but I am SO SCARED. It's been almost 5 months since I graduated from APEX and I am TERRIFIED of the working interviews. They're going to be watching my every move and what if I don't do it right?! My irrational being tells me that making mistakes is the worst case scenario, but my rational being says so what?! What happens if I do make a mistake, it isn't the end of the world!
But I spend a LOT of time home alone. I do homework and clean the house and organize, but I have a lot of time to think. I feel pretty lonely while Matt's gone. When he comes home from school, he has homework to do, when he comes home from work he has homework to do PLUS he's exhausted. I don't really have an outlet, or a social life in any way. I crave attention from Matt, but I also don't want to burden him. I know if I got a job that took up more of my time I would feel so much more productive and I would feel so much better about life and myself. And yet I sit here worried so much about getting a job.
Matt and I have recently decided that a baby may be the next step for us. I stopped birth control, but I have so many doubts. If I get a job and get pregnant, I feel like I am screwing my employer. It's like I'm putting a deadline on my employment. When I have a baby, I ultimately want to be the full caregiver, I'd love not to work until he/she starts going to school and I am done having little babies. So the idea of having a baby right now kind of freaks me out. It's almost like I am shutting down my career possibilities. If I lived close to family or friends, I would ask one of them to babysit for me. I'd love to have them be the babysitter so I don't have to take the baby to daycare, but I'm not sure if that is a possibility. There are so many what ifs and uncertainties that I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to solve all my problems and feel like I am coming out on top, but I can't seem to solve them.
So as you can tell, my life is a big bunch of confusion. So, I'm turning to an outlet I know helps me: writing. It's been over a year since I wrote anything and I can't believe that. This source has been a huge refuge to me.
I'm going to find love for myself.
I'm going to accept myself for who I am.
I'm going to get out of this funk I am in and discover the steps that I should be taking.
And I'm going to be writing it all here.
For me.
Cause I am deserving of this.
Self Love.
I was a little girl who believed I was fat.
I was a little girl consumed with people liking me.
I was a little girl who assumed that people didn't like me.
I was a little girl who didn't think she had any talents.
I was a little girl too afraid of the world.
I felt like a burden on others.
I felt like the lamest person ever.
I felt like the reason I didn't look like other people is because I truly was the ugliest person.
I felt like people wouldn't like me because of how I looked.
I felt like I didn't deserve to be living.
I remember sitting on the bottom bunk in the most beautiful girly room my mom painted for Ellie and I. And I remember thinking about death. I remember thinking if I could just hold my breath long enough I would die. So I tried it. And I held it for hardly any time at all before I broke down in tears and stopped it. I knew my family would be sad. I knew I had a whole life to live before me. I remember thinking if I still felt that way, I could try again later.
And even though holding my breath to death would never had worked, it makes me so sad imagining a little girl feeling that way. I was around the age that Lillie is now. NINE years old. Imagining Lillie sitting on her own feeling like that, trying to hold her breath, it makes me so sad.
We are here for a REASON. Heavenly Father did not send us to earth to feel like we are horrible, inadequate, burdensome monsters, because we aren't those things. (Well at least most of us are not) He sent us here to learn and grow. He sent us here in families so that we can feel love and happiness and so that we don't have to be alone. We are meant to have joy and to share it with others. We are meant to feel loved and adored. We are meant to find a love and grow a family together. We are meant to travel the world and see the beauty that God created for US. Those negative feelings do NOT come from God. And he, I'm positive, he doesn't want us to feel that way.
But I've found myself feeling similarly to this recently.
Coming back from Alaska I have felt so different. I've felt trapped and paralyzed in life, not wanting to make any movement, even if that movement means progression.
I feel like a burden on Matt, because I don't have a job that really helps us financially.
I feel like the lamest person ever when Matt wants to do something, but I'm fine just watching.
I feel like people won't like me because I've seen that I can't keep my friends around.
I feel like I can't get a job because I won't be good enough.
I feel like I don't want to get a job because I know others will judge me.
And the root of all of my problems is self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. I don't trust in my abilities. I don't feel confident. I simply haven't found self-love.
I am supposed to have already found a dental assisting job, but I am SO SCARED. It's been almost 5 months since I graduated from APEX and I am TERRIFIED of the working interviews. They're going to be watching my every move and what if I don't do it right?! My irrational being tells me that making mistakes is the worst case scenario, but my rational being says so what?! What happens if I do make a mistake, it isn't the end of the world!
But I spend a LOT of time home alone. I do homework and clean the house and organize, but I have a lot of time to think. I feel pretty lonely while Matt's gone. When he comes home from school, he has homework to do, when he comes home from work he has homework to do PLUS he's exhausted. I don't really have an outlet, or a social life in any way. I crave attention from Matt, but I also don't want to burden him. I know if I got a job that took up more of my time I would feel so much more productive and I would feel so much better about life and myself. And yet I sit here worried so much about getting a job.
Matt and I have recently decided that a baby may be the next step for us. I stopped birth control, but I have so many doubts. If I get a job and get pregnant, I feel like I am screwing my employer. It's like I'm putting a deadline on my employment. When I have a baby, I ultimately want to be the full caregiver, I'd love not to work until he/she starts going to school and I am done having little babies. So the idea of having a baby right now kind of freaks me out. It's almost like I am shutting down my career possibilities. If I lived close to family or friends, I would ask one of them to babysit for me. I'd love to have them be the babysitter so I don't have to take the baby to daycare, but I'm not sure if that is a possibility. There are so many what ifs and uncertainties that I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to solve all my problems and feel like I am coming out on top, but I can't seem to solve them.
So as you can tell, my life is a big bunch of confusion. So, I'm turning to an outlet I know helps me: writing. It's been over a year since I wrote anything and I can't believe that. This source has been a huge refuge to me.
I'm going to find love for myself.
I'm going to accept myself for who I am.
I'm going to get out of this funk I am in and discover the steps that I should be taking.
And I'm going to be writing it all here.
For me.
Cause I am deserving of this.
Self Love.
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